Skewster

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two..’

We haven’t used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the ‘DEER CROSSING’ sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’

He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened at Luton Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it’s on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.

IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, ‘its open!’
His reply: ‘I know. I already did that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us…

[From an email I received today...]

Hello.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Last update here was September 2007 and the last one before that was May 2007. So let’s call it a year all in, shall we?

Wow, I miss this blog. It was my first one, and although I’m present and correct on other parts of the Internet, The Levee Breaks was always a special place for me. We talked here. We pondered politics and the deeper issues of life. Sometimes we disagreed and bickered and other times we had a laugh.

But time moves on and we outgrow certain things.

Last June, I finally left the job that was causing me so much anguish. I won’t condemn the entire company, and even though I’d love to out them, I won’t. Northern Ireland’s such a small place, and I’d rather draw a line under that phase of my life and move on. This post is part of the process.

Oh, I could tell you all about it. Suffice to say it was a couple of years of drama that I’d rather forget. I had a friend/colleague whispering rumours and speculation in one ear, while I had a distinct feeling that the company wanted to outsource my job.

As my suspicions were raised, I wasn’t sure who to turn to. I decided to write down everything that was happening, as it happened. Reading over the log is eye opening – there’s evidence that the colleague I mentioned was a trouble-maker who had a history of causing discontent among staff. There’s also evidence that the company was planning to save money by dropping me and outsourcing my job.

This was backed up by the fact that when I finally handed in my notice, there was no attempt to retain my services. And yes, I would have expected that. So I finally had it out with my boss. Denials. And they were happy to crucify the colleague, except I wasn’t entirely convinced they were innocent.

Basically, I could have taken a formal route with the issue and had the situation drag on for ages after. Or I could draw a line in the sand and walk away. So I walked. Every so often I get a surge of resentment, and that’s when I’m tempted to name and shame the company who treated me so badly.

But I won’t. One therapeutic blog post later and I’m feeling so much better. I don’t know if I’ll post here again, but I’ve always loved the ability to post anonymously. There’s a tremendous freedom in that. Maybe.

Is there anyone still out there reading this?

I’m doing a bit of work on a website for someone I know which is hosted with UTV Internet.

I’ve hosted (commercially) with UTV Internet in the past, and I must say I’m not impressed. At all. I placed a call to their support team this evening at 6:30 and it took a full 8 minutes for someone to even answer the phone. When it was eventually answered, it was by a frighteningly unhelpful person who first claimed no knowledge of the problem, passed the buck to another department (but didn’t transfer the call) and then told me the person I needed to speak with was on the other line.

“Fine,” I replied. “please ask him to call me. Your support desk is open until 9:00pm and I’m calling from home, so he should be able to reach me when he’s available.”

Read the rest of this entry →

I’m no fan of organised religion at the best of times, but this article by Steve Pavlina gave me some food for thought. Musing on the wealth of the Catholic Church, Steve estimates that they have several billion dollars worth of gold alone:

According to United Nations World Magazine, the Church has several billion dollars in gold alone, and when you consider their massive worldwide real estate holdings, their artwork collection, and their tax exempt status, the amount of wealth controlled by the Catholic Church is staggering.

Whatever the true figure, the fact remains that the Catholic Church is unimaginably wealthy. Do these riches sit untouched, hoarded somewhere while people are starving, destitute and in despair all around the world?

Maybe I’m missing a major piece of the jigsaw here, but surely some of this unholy treasure could be sold off and used to assist developing countries in a real way? I’d be interested to hear some of your thoughts.

OK, so I went a bit quiet after my vasectomy a few weeks ago. Rumours of my demise were greatly exaggerated (thanks Aileen and Parnell) and I’m still standing.

It’s actually been a busy few weeks, so me and my sore plums just had to keep on moving with little time to rest. Most notably we were shipped to Amsterdam for a couple of days courtesy of the sister-in-law.

My reactions to Amsterdam are mixed. As a red-blooded guy, the legends of the Red Light District and the er…liberal attitudes appealed to me. On the flight across, we read about how the legalisation of the area had led to a safer place for punters and prostitutes alike.

I wondered how this would play out in real life, and was disappointed to discover a seedy dive with crowds of youths lingering around the area – not at all the enlightened sexual mecca I’d been imagining! Think Gresham Street in Belfast with a few sex shows thrown in for good measure.

Now, believe it or not, I didn’t understand the reason behind the name “Red Light Area” until last week. If you’re a greenhorn like me, read on:

Basically, as you walk through the area, you’ll see buildings with red neon lights in the windows. And in each window, provocatively dressed babes try and tempt you in for a bit of paid-for nookie. Now, in fairness to them, (most) were very good looking girls, not the clapped-out hags you might expect to see Wayne Rooney ‘knocking’ around with.

Mrs L was surprised too, and indulged a spot of me eyeing up hookers for about five minutes. It’s one thing looking at semi-nude babes in a magazine, but hard to ogle when they’re staring right back at you.

Anyway, stray away from the red light bits and Amsterdam’s quite a nice place. Walking down the main thoroughfares with all their gift shops reminded me of O’Connell Street, but with dope and sex motifs instead of shamrocks and leprechauns! Restaurants were of generally good quality and we ate well for reasonable prices.

So there you go, nothing sinister happened, thanks for your concern! I’ll try and dig out some of the photos we managed to take later on.

The rumours are true then. The Ho-Ho is gone. Flattened in the name of modernising the Dublin Road.

Back when I were a lad, me and the girlfriend lived in India Street off Botanic Avenue. We had our pick of dodgy chippies to eat out of, but the Ho-Ho was one of our favourites. In those days, it had those cheap Van Gogh prints that were all the rage (about a fiver each in Au Naturale on Rosemary Street) and crappy white plastic garden furniture for the sit-in crowd to eat at.

We were students at the time and we’d actually head down to the Ho-Ho once in a while with a couple of rounds of buttered bread, order up a curry split and have a curry fried rice sandwich.

Now, Paul Rankin may claim that he invented the Curry Fried Rice Sandwich, but the honour is actually shared between me and the Ho-Ho. Their thick, pasty curry sauce mixed with fried rice was crying out to be smeared between two slices of Mother’s Pride. Yes. I was that man.

Anyway, I’m galled that they knocked the place down. Fair enough, it’s been a few years since I visited (I heard it had gone downhill!), but it’s almost as much of a blow as discovering they demolished Livingstone(d) Hall up at Queen’s Elms in 2001. Took me weeks to get over that….

On that note, anybody got any stories of their old University stomping grounds? Better still, anybody else live up in Livingstone Hall around 1995-96?

Update: Jett Loe’s original pictures of the Ho-Ho before it was knocked down.

I was watching Corpse Bride with the kids recently, and was completely struck by the similarities between slimy Lord Barkis and our permatanned Secretary of State, Peter Hain. It’s quite sinister really.

If you don’t think there’s a resemblance between the two, watch the movie and you’ll see what I mean.

Paint the front of your house with lamb’s blood, lock up your first born son and lead my people out of Egypt, Moses. Word reaches me that the classic 10 Commandments movie is about to be re-released.

Check out the updated trailer.

Yeah, that’s right. After a terrible snubbing at the Irish Blog Awards (in which, in fairness we didn’t push readers to vote for us), my better half and I have won the Holks on the Fill “King and Queen of the Blogworld” award!

Hooray for us! We’d like to thank again all the people who voted for us and to Pastor of Muppets’ imagination for hosting the event and keeping the booze flowing…….

I’m curious what you guys think about this. Back in December, when we went to Rome, I was held back by Airport security at Aldergrove. I was a bit surprised – this had never happened before – but I went with the flow.

The security guy took my backpack and opened it up, taking out my digital camera, the two iPod shuffles we’d brought, mobile phones, an assortment of batteries for the camera, spare XD cards and some guidebooks about Rome. Oh, and Joe Cahill’s biography, which I was reading at the time for a review here. Once the bag was emptied, it was also swabbed inside for testing.

Between myself, Mrs L, Sister In-Law and her boyfriend, there’s been much heated debate about whether the Cahill biography was the catalyst for this. I am not so cynical, I thought it might have been the amount of electronic equipment I was carrying. I mean, how much can they see in those airport scanners anyway?

What do you think, is Levee now on a suspected terrorists list somewhere? Was Joe Cahill to blame for the whole thing? Who knows?