Skewster

You know, there’s been a big hole in the political satire market since Newton Emerson hung up his boots for a semi-respectable career as a journalist. Thankfully, he’s done the decent thing and bundled the last couple of years worth of material into a book (did someone say “cash-in?”), The Last of the Portadown News.

The Portadown News was one of those sites that literally had me in stitches laughing. I’d check the site each week for new material, and within 5 or 10 minutes, I’d be getting told to shut up and stop laughing to myself.

Whatever you think of Newton Emerson, he’s got a sharp wit that cuts straight through all the bullshit and political rhetoric that gets spun around here. He can expose a double-standard in his sleep.

Anyway, I got a copy of The Last of the Portadown News for Christmas this year. Needless to say, I was doubled over laughing yet again. I know this is juvenile, but the names of the reporters really got me started (Billy Shootspatrick, Reg Empty, etc) to the point where I wondered if Emerson’s own name wasn’t made up (Newtown-emerson, anyone? No?).

Anyway, despite the fact that it’s freely available online, get yourself a copy! You never know when they’ll pull the plug for good.

I was watching Corpse Bride with the kids recently, and was completely struck by the similarities between slimy Lord Barkis and our permatanned Secretary of State, Peter Hain. It’s quite sinister really.

If you don’t think there’s a resemblance between the two, watch the movie and you’ll see what I mean.

Paint the front of your house with lamb’s blood, lock up your first born son and lead my people out of Egypt, Moses. Word reaches me that the classic 10 Commandments movie is about to be re-released.

Check out the updated trailer.

I came across Google Romance on Sunday and thought it was the coolest idea ever! I raved to Mr Levee about how I wished i was single and could participate.

Of course I have since discovered that it was obviously an April Fools joke and I am the biggest fool ever.

No flies on me eh?

I’m curious what you guys think about this. Back in December, when we went to Rome, I was held back by Airport security at Aldergrove. I was a bit surprised – this had never happened before – but I went with the flow.

The security guy took my backpack and opened it up, taking out my digital camera, the two iPod shuffles we’d brought, mobile phones, an assortment of batteries for the camera, spare XD cards and some guidebooks about Rome. Oh, and Joe Cahill’s biography, which I was reading at the time for a review here. Once the bag was emptied, it was also swabbed inside for testing.

Between myself, Mrs L, Sister In-Law and her boyfriend, there’s been much heated debate about whether the Cahill biography was the catalyst for this. I am not so cynical, I thought it might have been the amount of electronic equipment I was carrying. I mean, how much can they see in those airport scanners anyway?

What do you think, is Levee now on a suspected terrorists list somewhere? Was Joe Cahill to blame for the whole thing? Who knows?

Have you voted in the “Favourite Northern Irish Place” poll yet?

We’ve had a whopping 92 votes in the last week, but I Want More!!! Email your friends. Pester colleagues at work. Call your mother and make her vote!!

I’m going to let the poll run until close of play on Friday and we’ll post the results then. So far, mid-Ulster/Sperrins is poorly represented in the poll. Will they catch up? Who knows….

Calling All Bloggers

Thanks to those of you who’ve bothered to link back to the poll – you will be honored in the evening of the results, a star-studded celebration of everything Northern Irish!!

If you’ve got a blog/website, please, please, please help us promote the poll! This poll has had the advantage of generating lots of positive comments about Northern Ireland, and it’s been great. See Paul’s post about the Castlereagh Hills, for example.

One more thing. I won’t be counting the smart-arse comments like Spain and bed!!!

Calling….The Media?

I dropped a few emails this evening to places like the Belfast Telegraph and the good old Stephen Nolan show to see if we could get a mention. I’d be interested to see if anything happens!

If anybody out there has media contacts, point them this way and we’ll see what sort of debate this will open up!

Via Notnem, I came across the Creative Ireland website and this forum thread, featuring Photoshopped ‘alternate endings’ for Saturday’s rioting in Dublin.

There’s some really inventive versions including a War Of The Worlds invasion, Gardai holding back rioters and Oliphaunts from Lord Of The Rings and this wartime shot with Zeppelin hovering overhead….

I’m glad some folk can see the funny side of this. I was in stitches!

Update: This thread has hit the big time. It’s been covered by The Star and there’s three more pages of photo’s since I last visited. Some great Star Wars piss-takes, Independence Day and near the end a pic of the Orange marchers in big green hats and carrying bags from Roches Stores! Congratulations to all the talented buggers who contributed to that thread!

Let’s have a bit of light debate (for a change) about your favourite places in Northern Ireland. We’re asking the question in the poll in the sidebar.

I’ve popped a few options in there for you: Belfast, Ballycastle (my home town), and Lisburn (Belfast-lite?) – you can add any other places or vote for whatever’s already there. At the end of the week, we’ll see what the most popular location is. Hopefully…

I’d like this poll to be a big one, so those of you with blogs out there…you know what to do

Here’s a conversation I didn’t think I’d be having with my four-year-old daughter. At least not within the next two decades.

We were sitting in the kitchen this evening and Ray sauntered down from her room with a box of toy jewellry. “Mum, can you help me put on my necklaces?” she enquires in sugary tones. “No problem, pet,” comes the reply and soon both are busily covering the girl in plastic jewellry from top to toe.

After they’re finished, Ray swans around the kitchen playing the princess. We all tell her how pretty she looks and then she breaks the big news. She’s getting married! To a boy in her nursery class. The whole thing’s arranged it seems and nothing can stop the “big day”:

Me: “Ray, after you get married, you’ll be Brian’s wife. You’ll have to move into his house and live with him and his family….”

I trail off, waiting for the inevitable cries of protest. The smile on Ray’s face freezes for the briefest moment. Then she turns away and reaches for her plastic hairbrush.

“Alright, but only after I brush my hair….”

What better way to declare your undying love than through the rasping, mechanical voice of Darth Vader? Perhaps a garbled message from Yoda, you would like? Something Awful has a selection of Star Wars Valantines images – possibly the cheesiest way to say I Love You ever!

My favourite is the one with C3PO being told “What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language…..of love!”

Health Warning: Present one of these to your girlfriend, boyfriend or Wookie and expect to be slapped. Well, they don’t exactly spell romance, do they?